stressed out

ADHD has become a veritable plague on our children. Some attribute the rise in the incidence of this condition to us simply being more aware of what always existed. Mike Adams contends that the cause of ADHD is diet. Others argue that this syndrome is only a creation of professionals and drug companies. Many are pushing for more testing and pharmaceutical treatment.

On top of all this, the media is telling us children with ADHD have smaller brains. But Mike Adams points out that the study the media is quoting about the “small brain phenomenon” was done on children taking ADHD medication. Further, he references a longitudinal study proving that children on these meds experience stunted growth. All these study results raise more questions than they answer.

I had ADHD as a child, I had it as an adult, and I’ve had dozens of children and adult clients with it, so I speak from personal experience. To address this issue, to get at the root cause, I believe the first thing we need to do is step back from all the hype. Let’s take a hard look at the culture our children are growing up in. The expectations, constant stimulation and projections from their parents continue to increase. Our children are simply stressed out.

What cured me of my ADHD was dealing with my stress – my old, stored stress – and learning not to reproduce it. I have found that, for most children and adults suffering from ADHD, their way of dealing with stress produces the ADHD responses.

A growing number of studies demonstrate that Mindfulness practices reduce ADHD symptoms. In one study, 78% of participants reported a reduction in total ADHD symptoms when using Mindfulness techniques.

We need to teach our children—and ourselves—to experience stress in a healthy manner. We all need to learn to accept its present effect on us, then release the stress or tension in the present moment. With this conscious response to it, stress does not build. The released stress does not find another means of expression, such as ADHD behavior.

ADHD is only one manifestation of the effects of constant stress; we are seeing more incidences of everything from childhood obesity to violence. Repressing the symptoms of ADHD with a time-release amphetamine is not dealing with the cause. When we finally deal with that root cause—the stressful environment our children live in—our children will be calmer, healthier and blissfully unmedicated.

When you avoid a feeling, you may experience physical or psychological pain. This mind/body connection is a cornerstone of alternative medicine, and it seems that mainstream medicine is finally catching on. A recent New York Times article reports on the growing acceptance of Mindfulness as a valid therapy approach.

The Times article points out something obvious to those of us who practice Mindfulness: studies show some people get worse with Mindfulness therapy. That is true. Some people do get worse—but usually right before they get a lot better. With repressed emotional pain, you must recognize the emotion—and the physical symptom it’s causing—allow yourself to experience that emotion, and accept the emotion before you can release it. The good news is, once you accept and experience the old feelings, you’re done with it. That pain is gone for good.

Old stress frequently leaves the way it went in. For example, if you lost someone whom you cared deeply about, but didn’t allow yourself to fully, deeply feel and release the pain, the pain can turn into tension. That tension in turn creates physical symptoms. Using Mindfulness to treat that pain, the tension lets go. And as that happens, some of the “stored emotions” will release to be experienced in the present moment. But once you’ve caught and released that pain, you’re free of it—physically and emotionally.

As we continue to catch-and-release our emotions, we lighten our load of tension. We also teach our bodies and minds to experience and release on their own. Letting go becomes the default behavior. That is the biggest gift of Mindfulness.

If you stress out about being deathly ill, you may want to read this post. Most aches and pains are just that – aches and pains. Yet, there are times when those pains are telling us something. Us macho men are the worst at avoiding our bodies signals.

This blog post gives you 7 pains you should not avoid – so if your pain is another pain – chill out.

Chest pain could be pneumonia or a heart attack. But be aware that heart conditions typically appear as discomfort, not pain. “Don’t wait for pain,” says cardiologist Jerome Cohen, MD. “Heart patients talk about pressure. They’ll clench their fist and put it over their chest or say it’s like an elephant sitting on their chest.”

Jon Kabat-Zinn Ph. D., the man you essentially created mindfulness stress reduction teaches Google about how to be mindful. This video is an excellent, simple instruction on how to use the power of mindfulness. If you are not familiar with mindfulness, use this video to be your introduction. Enjoy.

You thought it was bad before, but it’s getting worse. According to a new American Psychological Association (APA) study, a third of us are experiencing extreme stress: “nearly half [of Americans] believe stress is damaging their health, their relationships, and work productivity, and that it has got worse in the last 5 years.”

As our society evolves, the effect of stress increases. Being constantly assaulted by information from the media, pressing decisions, and unending stimulation (which we mistakenly believe is an escape from the other stressors) is causing our stress to grow. All this is occurring as we experience a decrease in resources of time, energy and possibly money. We are squeezed.

Decrease the Irritation

Your first tendency is to change your external world – you try to remove or reduce the stressors in your life. Go for it. Unfortunately, experience has taught me that manipulation of these variables have a limited effect. What you need to change is how you respond to stress, or how you frame it.

A secret to generating a new stress response in yourself is this: give up an old believe or behavior pattern. Maybe you created myths that are not serving you. A common one is: “I should have it all.” This begs the question, what is “all”? If you can redefine your “all” based on what you really need and want, your stress will change.

The myth that “I have to know” or “I must stay informed” sets you up to fall prey to the media’s constant barrage of stress stimulation. Implicit in this myth is that there is always more to know, so you are hooked to your media dealer. Recent research on dreams and stress support this as well as how the news sets up post traumatic stress for children. Because most of society operates under the effects of these myths, it’s easy to miss something insidious: the constant media exposure keeps your nervous system on alert.

By addressing these myths and their behaviors, we remove irritating stimuli from our lives.

Operate from New Beliefs

Go beyond focusing on what you don’t want to what you want. Create beliefs that serve you. Tim Ferriss’ popular book, The 4 – Hour Workweek is one of many advocates of leaving quantity of things for quality of life. The rapid growth of the Slow Food movement supports you leaving fast food to enjoying the experience of eating.

Focusing on being rather than doing is a simple statement. The faster you travel through life, the less aware you are of your experiences. The more hyped you are, the more you look for the next extreme experience that you can really feel. As you allow yourself to go through withdrawal from over-stimulation and constant arousal, you need less intense and less frequent stimulation to feel alive. If you constantly over-salts your food, you never get to experience the true flavor of what you’re eating.

A difficult belief to leave behind is one the belief that you don’t deserve healthy relationships. Do a survey of you relationships and ask yourself, “Am I losing or gaining energy from this relationship?” If you’re putting more in than you’re getting out, make a shift in that relationship. Speak what you truly feel and want. As you hold true to yourself, the relationship will either shift, or end. But either outcome is for your benefit.

As you take risks to speak your truths, take risks to pursue your passions. Yes, this can be stressful. The stress from moving forward in life tends to have a different effect than being at the mercy of life. It’s analogous to the stress of getting in shape—painful at first, perhaps, but the process becomes fun, and the results are always enjoyable.

I invite you to transform your extreme stress into extreme pleasure. Find role models for this; there may not be many, but they are out there. Often these are people who walked away from “success” to pursue a deeper desire. Ultimately, you may prove to be role model for others.

There are two simple ways to have a more productive and happier life.

1. Take the controllable stressors out of your life

2. Eat the foods that are right for your body

I said simple–not necessarily easy.

Let’s look at the first one:

I have managed to eliminate or certainly get to manageable levels, the source of most stress for most knowledge workers, which is basically getting everything out of my head and managing externalized systems so that my extended brain is kept pretty intact and current.

David Allen the founder of Getting Things Done (GTD), interview with the Web Daily Worker blog

In this post, David Allen offers his personal stress reducers, which I highly recommend. Also, check out his GTD system to manage your information overload.

As for Number 2, eating right, Allen mentions Eat Right for Your Type, a diet/nutritional book that teaches how to choose food based on your blood type. As strange as this might seem, it works. I have tweaked my diet to fit my blood type for 10 years. From the start, I had more energy. After what I experienced for myself, I have recommended this approach to over a hundred clients. Those who adopted it saw improvements in allergies and their energy levels.

So it’s really very simple: reduce your stress by keeping your body happy, and your mind clear. With the tools listed above, that’s as simple as it sounds.

These are two questions that are often asked by those experiencing the effects of either. We live in a culture that likes to label every thing. Medicine can’t treat a problem unless it is a diagnosable disease. If it not a disease, it is not real. 

Accused of being a quack, the physician Hans Steles who put stress on the map had to move to Canada to practice. Today his work forms the foundation of our understanding of stress and its effect on our bodies. 

Fibromyalgia, suffering the same plight is now being honored with its first drug. Pfizer in a new television ad touts the value of its drug Lyrica for fibromyalgia. I am glad that the suffers of this often misunderstood condition are getting recognized. So often, I have seen people who are told that either they are imagining their symptoms, they are depressed (inferring crazy) or to just get over it. 

The cause of fibromyalgia

The downside of this drug release is it further diverts the focus from the real cause – stress and toxicity. Just like with Prozac and depression we will likely see the abatement of symptoms for some, no effects for others and an adverse reaction by others from this drug. 

Many have cured themselves of both depression and its sibling, fibromyalgia through releasing their chronic stress and learning not to recreate it. There are few problems with this approach. First, it requires personal responsibility and commitment. Often it requires stepping beyond the traditional models and their treatment regimes. At some point as the stress starts to leave a person’s body the emotions that were associated with its imprinting are felt. 

 When these emotions first occurred, usually in childhood, we did not have the permission or the tools to express them, so we stuffed them. These emotions became stress, which became tension, which wears us out frequently causing depression, chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia. As we begin to accept the stress so we can release it, we are accepting the former unacceptable emotions. This is not easy – but it is required if we are to get well. 

Original fibromyalgia doc is cynical

In 30 years, I have never seen anyone truly get well from these conditions without dealing with their stress and emotions. The drugs maybe great at suppressing some of the symptoms; no drug removes the cause – stress. “Dr. Frederick Wolfe, the director of the National Databank for Rheumatic Diseases and the lead author of the 1990 paper that first defined the diagnostic guidelines for fibromyalgia, says he has become cynical and discouraged about the diagnosis. He now considers the condition a physical response to stress, depression, and economic and social anxiety.” – as quoted from the New York Times. 

The New York Times article finishes with – “Still, Dr. Wolfe expects the drugs will be widely used. The companies, he said, are ‘going to make a fortune.’” Let’s hope all this attention validates the pain many suff and supports them in healing the cause of the pain.

Create a powerful life using your ancestral archetypes

You want to decrease your stress – align yourself with your instinctual self. The psychologist Carl Jung over a hundred years ago directed us towards parts of ourselves that are our psychological DNA. Joseph Campbell picked up Jung’s work to lay out how throughout history we have viewed and experienced life from four primary archetypes.

When you acknowledge and then use these deep parts of yourself, you shift from struggling with instinctual needs to using these needs to as your ally. I invite you to go on a personal archeological dig to excavate these valuable aspects of self.

Here are the four archetypes that show up across cultures and time:

Lover

The lover is the part of you that appreciates others and life. It is the part where compassion lies. Through open hearted communication, this archetype comes alive. Through taking the risk to express your feelings, you allow your lover to show up. By allowing old grief and sadness to be release the empathy and joy of the lover deepens.

When the lover is present, you are happy – you are experiencing what it is to be human. You are relating to others, feeling and expressing those feelings. It may take expressing a backlog of unexpressed feelings to be present with your current feelings. Once current, the innocence of a child shows up with his or her joy

Magician

Magic happens when you expand your realm of experience and knowledge. Trusting in something bigger than what existed previously allows you to begin to use more resources to survive as our primitive ancestors did. As your mastery improves, so does your ability to use these skills to create success.

When you surrender to the unknown and to your felt sense (what you body tells you) you open yourself to more awareness. This increase awareness reconnects you to lost parts, the parts that stress took out when you were a child.

Stepping beyond the fear of the uncontrolled opens you to a vista of new experiences. Excitement replaces fear. You now have more resources to draw on.

Warrior

The warrior needs to show up to hold your boundaries – to say no. Without boundaries, you are violated. All the small and large violations you experience can be your biggest stressors.

The righteous warrior performs right and certain actions for his or her sovereign. This warrior holds and defends the innocence of others and self so all may experience life in its beauty.

As the doer of the four archetypes, you want your warrior doing what serves you. The most common take out for the warrior is anger. The repressed anger that can store as frustration or rage accumulated from times as a child when you couldn’t express those justified feelings. Without expressing your feelings and setting your boundaries volitions occurred. You were victimized, maybe only subtlety. Expressing your feelings, maintaining your boundaries prevents you from being a victim. You develop the innate confidence to handle what life presents.

King/Queen - Sovereign

Is your realm thriving? Do you have a vision of what you want? Are you going for it? If any of these qualities of your sovereign is weak, your life will lack direction or purpose. Without focus, you become more vulnerable to stress.

Your king or queen may not do a lot. He or she may just hold the vision of what you want from a state of being rather than doing. Without the power and vision of your sovereign, you have a void that is easy for other desires rather than yours to show up in. You are more likely living someone else’s life, that is always stressful.

Take the time to create the vision for your life. Enlist the other three archetypes to serve that vision your king or queen will hold. The stress that results from working towards what you want is healthier then the stress from having a life that is at effect.

Reunite with your ancestors

When I first was exposed to the four archetypes I said, “sure.” It was difficult for me to believe that, much like our genes, something as amorphic as deep behavior tendencies could be passed on from our ancestors. Today in my own life as well as my clients’ and students’ I see constant illustrations of how, when one of these aspects is weak, our life suffers.

Explore the teachings of Joseph Campbell. He will show you how throughout history and literature these four parts of our always existed. We can learn from our past. We may live in different times, but our ancestral parts are still connected to ancient ways and needs.

Explore your archetypes. Observe them or their absence in others. Call forth their qualities to lead a richer life. These parts of you are your allies that are there to serve you.

As one goes up the other goes down. Stress can not only kill us, it also can kill our sex lives. Survival is our first priority; continuing our species is down the list. Stress as we know it is a maladapted survival response that takes our energy and focus away from sex.

Sex and survival are mutually exclusive

If a tiger is chasing you, you are not relaxed – you are running for your life. It is not until you escape and come down from the fight-or-flight response that you begin to feel your sexual urges. Relaxation is the setup for sexual arousal.

Our bodies often follow our heads. If we are mentally stiff, we will be physically stiff. If a man’s head is focused on solving the crisis at work, his little head is unable to receive the attention it needs to feel safe to come out and play. Treating your sexual performance as you might treat your professional or athletic performance will not work. It would be like expecting someone to feel and express his sadness about a deep loss while he is lifting a new level in weights.

Sex is a mirror

An old friend and teacher used to tell me that the body does not lie. In some way, your body will express physically what it is experiencing. The expression may not be outward, but it does occur.

Sex may start a mental experience, yet the act becomes very physical. For your body to be fully engaged it must be fully available to experience all aspects of sex. If some part of your life is not in sync, such as your relationship with your partner, your body will manifest that tension. That body/mind tension will eventually show up in your sex with your partner.

Why do you think affairs are so much fun? You get to experience sex without experiencing the stress that exists in your on going relationship.

Mediocre sex

If you want better sex – create better communication. Your sex life, more than any other aspect of your life, is an expression of how well you and your partner communicate. The communication that might need to occur may not be about your relationship. You may only need to share with her your frustration about work and your fear about not performing well. Those little truths can set your sex life free.

A recent British study suggests that half of their citizen’s sex life suffer because of stress or medical issues.

I have worked with many couples who are so embarrassed about intimate health complaints that it has caused a huge breakdown in communication and put serious pressure on the relationship. Talking to a partner or a professional candidly about the issue is not easy, but it may save a great deal of emotional strain. Denise Knowles, a relationship counsellor with Relate

How to shift it

Chill out – do some stress reduction. Review some of the other posts on this blog. Teach your body/mind not go into the stress response as your default. Getting good bodywork is a quick way to facilitate the process of removing old stress and learning to relax.

Communicate more of your thoughts and feelings. Begin speaking those feelings you have not spoken. In the above study, three out of five Brits said they struggled to speak about personal issues. Start taking risk, just like you did when you and your partner began dating. Some people get bent out of shape when it comes to talking about feelings.. Going back to the beginning often rekindles the spark that was once there.

Keep others out of the bedroom Don’t bring unfinished business into the bedroom. Believing that having sex will solve the problem is a lie. Yes, it will often take the edge off and can create a feeling of intimacy for a period of time.Unfortunately, the issue and its charge is there to come up another time. Do what you need to deal with the problem or release the tension  before you enter the bedroom.

Build intimacy

Support intimacy Great sex is predicated on great intimacy. Sharing difficult feelings quickly builds trust and intimacy. Having a weekly ritual where time is scheduled  just to talk has transformed relationships.

Both of you can have your own stress reduction practice. She may have yoga; you could have your weekly massage. Additionally, the two of you can come up with something you do together, like going to a hot springs.

With sharing your feelings, share what you want emotionally and sexually. Sharing our wants certainly sounds simple, but we all know know difficult it can be. Telling your partner what you enjoy sexually is a risk for you. Yet it will support your partner in pleasing you, which empowers her. As she gives you what you want, you will need to let go and receive, another challenge for us Type As.

Play. All this talk of sharing emotions may sound intense. Create some fun around sex. Set up an experience where the two of you get to play as if your were kids exploring a new game. Bringing a child-like innocence into the bedroom lightens the whole experience, and can reduce the stress and increase the pleasure.

Go slow. Being a Type A aboutsex does not work. Go back to being the kid who played simply because that is what he wanted to do. There was no end goal, he was just having fun – that was the goal.

If you were to agree on discussing old feelings, agree to set the bar low. Your goal should be to build skills and have fun, not to resolve ten years of limited communication. It is like training for a marathon – start your daily mileage low. Going for too much too soon  will create injuries and you’ll never run the marathon.

Breathe. The more you breathe, the more relaxed you will be and the more your body will be able to experience the pleasures of sex.

Sex as a stress reducer

The sexual arousal curve and orgasm mimics the arousal curve of fight or flight. Unlike many  stressful events, when you have an orgasm you complete that curve, allowing for the recovery phase to occur next. The more you can relax going into asexual experience, the more we can allow yourself to fully engage – the more intense the orgasm and the release.

The act of intimacy, as much as the sex, reduces stress. Another British study: 

Volunteers who had had penetrative intercourse were found to be the least stressed, and their blood pressure returned to normal faster than those who had engaged in other forms of sexual activity….

Having intimate sex with a partner gives you something nothing else can give you.

Replace stress with great sex. Allow yourself the pleasure of learning or deepening your skills of being a relaxed lover.

Your body often becomes the depository for your anger. When an emotion is not fully expressed, some of that energy or charge can transform itself into physical tension. Clenched jaws don’t happen overnight, they happen from years of holding frustration in your body. After a while, these tight jaws can increase your reaction through, enhancing the feeling of anger. It is as if the tension in your body starts to act as a computer virus running the system on its own.

The converse is also true – if you release the body, you will release old emotions. Thirty years ago, when I discovered Rolfing, a respected form of bodywork, I had no idea how much my emotions would let go. Stalking out good bodywork will significantly enhance any lake draining. The bonus is that the bodywork will aid you in increasing your body/mind awareness, thereby thwarting the rage attacks.

Psychotherapy and anger

Good therapy can be a useful tool to transforming rage. Psychotherapy that integrates the body into its process is generally quicker. Going further into your head or learning more coping skills will not heal the rage. “People who have a lot of anger invest a lot of energy in trying to control it, and that kind of friction is likely to increase the probability of a heart attack,” says Charles Spielberger, Ph.D., a University of South Florida psychologist who developed the leading test to measure anger. True control comes when you shift from attempting to repress the anger, which eventually explodes, to allowing your natural responses to take over in their smaller increments of expression.

If you are to go the therapy route, you need to find a therapist who is not afraid of his or her anger. Interview therapists; push them about how they deal with anger. You are not looking for someone who will placate your anger. What you are looking for is someone who will teach your new skills of being fully expressive. Trust your gut here.

As you learn to express all your emotions, the tension will not erupt into rage. You will start to identify patterns; you can begin alerting rage response earlier in the process.

Don’t become one of the statistics

More than 30,000 heart attacks each year are triggered by transitory anger, according to a 2004 Harvard study. These heart attacks occur because an acute anger episode actually builds on many previous episodes. These same men are part of the group that are three times more likely to develop premature cardiovascular disease, or a stroke, and six times more likely to have an early heart attack. Charles Spielberger, Ph.D claims, “The more intense the anger, the more likely the heart attack.”

You can reduce your anger intensity to a point where you express anger appropriately for the situation. You can stop having anger rule you. When anger is primarily making sure your boundaries are honored, your anger returns to acting asa servant for you.

The macho archetype of a man who does not express vulnerable emotions yet can explode on a moment’s notice is outdated. Also gone is the archetype of the sensitive man who serves women only to repress his aggressive side going to work. As men, we are beginning to learn to express our feelings and to receive love. Converting our rage into an anger ally can bring healing to our heart as well as our gender.